Divine SPARIE

Losing a parent is never easy, no matter their age or circumstance. Death is, of course, a natural part of life. A loved one passing away is one of the most challenging times in life. When we lose a loved one, the pain we experience can feel unbearable.  It will be one of the most emotional times one can ever experience. The parent-child bond is conceivably the most essential of all human ties. When my mother and father died, that bond was torn. The Death of a parent can be one of the most challenging and heart-rending experiences that a person can go through. From the time my mother and father are the gentle hands who lead me through life, tenderly showing me which paths to take as I grow up. And when that guiding light is gone, I can feel an enormous sense of loss and mourning like no other. No love is more significant than a mother’s love, and no care is more tender than a father’s care. In response to this loss, I felt a swarm of strong emotions.  And then one day, be forced to live in a world without them. No one grieves in the same way. I expected to accept Death as a part of life and handle sudden losses appropriately. But really, what does that mean? That I should not be sad? I should be so grateful that they didn’t die when I was a child that I don’t need to grieve my parent? My experience is influenced by the type of relationship I had with my parent, the Death’s circumstances, my emotional support system, and my cultural and religious background.

Grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost. That loss does not lessen because my mother and father lived a good life. Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over the loss, to get through the grief. But how long do I grieve for the man who was my father for 25 years? Do I grieve less for my mother of 63 years? The loss happens in a moment, but its outcome takes a lifetime. The grief is real because loss is real. Each loss has its inscription, as special and unique as the lost persons. It doesn’t matter how old we are.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced a model regarding the 5 Stages of Grief in On Death and Dying.  This grief model was one of the first models used to help individuals recognize the stages of grief and the effect it can cause. You have ever experienced the loss of a loved one or a significant change in your life, you have likely felt some form of grief. Everyone experiences grief from time to time. It is a very personal experience. It’s important to understand that it is a natural emotion and going through the grief process is a healthy way of dealing with loss.  The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are a part of the framework that makes up your learning to live with the one you lost. They are tools to help you frame and identify what you may be feeling but not organize it.

1. Denial

The world becomes meaningless and overwhelming when we lose our loved ones in this stage. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial, and we go numb. We wonder how we can go on if we can go on, why we should go on. It can be hard to believe we have lost an essential person in our lives. We are reflecting on the experiences we have shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person. Denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. Denying it gives us time to absorb the news and gradually process it.

2. Anger

Where denial may be considered a managing mechanism, anger hides. Anger is hiding many of the emotions and pain that we carry. This stage can involve anger, loneliness, or uncertainty. The person may feel disturbed or weak, cry, engage in aimless or disorganized activities, or be preoccupied with thoughts or images of the person they lost. Anger does not have to be logical or valid. It is essential to feel the anger without judging it or finding meaning. Life is unfair, Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss. If we could change things, we would, but we can’t, and we are not to blame.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining is a line of defense against the emotions of grief. It helps us postpone the sadness, confusion in a situation of intense pain. It happens when a grieving person struggles to find meaning for the loss of their loved one. It seems like we will do anything if only our loved one would be spared. “Please God,” we bargain, “I will never go far from my parent if you’ll just let them live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of temporary peace. “What if we devote the rest of our lives to helping others. Then can we wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a confusion of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved ones restored. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.

4. Depression

During the depression stage, we start facing our present reality and the inevitability of the loss we have experienced. Depression isn’t a sign of a mental health condition. Instead, it’s a natural and appropriate response to grief. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, more profound than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. The first question we should ask ourselves is whether our situation is depressing. The loss of a loved one is depressing, and depression is a normal. When a loss fully settles in our soul, the realization that our loved one is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way. As realized life changes, depression may set in.

5. Acceptance

This last phase of grief happens when people find ways to come to terms with and accept the loss. Acceptance is more about acknowledging the losses we have experienced, learning to live with them, and how we readapt our lives accordingly. We may feel very different in this stage. Look to acceptance to see that there may be more good days than bad, but there may still be wrong and that’s OK. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about losing a loved one. This stage is about accepting that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is everlasting. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually, we accept it. We learn to live with it. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved ones. We can never replace what has been lost. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, change, grow, and evolve.

The key to understanding grief is realizing that no one experiences the same thing. Grief is very personal, and you may feel something different every time. Losing someone will always be painful, but I know that it can get easier over time. You may need several weeks, or grief may be years long. So, you keep a smile on your face and hold your head up high; you want to take on the world and embrace life.